ACCIDENTAL DEATH
(Written circa 2008, also for the
mystery contest.)
Gary had figured out a way to kill his wife and not get caught.
Funny thing was,
he had known for years that he would probably end up killing her, but when he found out she was having an affair he knew the
time had finally come.
The way he figured it, when your wife’s cheating on you there’s only three things
you can do: divorce her, cheat on her in revenge, or kill her. Well, he couldn’t afford to divorce her.
He was already cheating on her and it didn’t make him feel any better. So that left only one option.
The
problem with killing people was that it was almost impossible not to get caught – especially these days. That
forensics stuff was tough to beat. And of course, the only successful murders were the ones you never heard about.
So Gary knew he would have to be very, very smart about this. Fortunately, smarts had never been a problem for
him.
Of course, he had suspected all along that Tina was cheating on him. Fidelity had never played a big
part in their marriage. But suspecting your wife is cheating on you and finding three empty condom wrappers in her purse
while you’re looking for cigarettes are two very different things. Three, for God's sake.
He knew right
away who the guy was: Mike, that mechanic from their garage. He should have guessed sooner – Tina had been “having
her oil changed” with an alarming frequency.
At first Gary had wanted to do something obvious like disabling
the brakes on Tina’s car. But his instinct for self-preservation had overridden his desire for ironic punishment,
so the whole “she who lives by the car shall die by the car” concept was out.
There were so many good ways
to kill someone, that was the really frustrating part. Shooting, stabbing, bludgeoning, poisoning – all tried
and true methods of eliminating an undesirable presence on earth. The temptation to just shoot her in the back of the
head while she was sitting in front of that vanity mirror of hers was almost too much to resist.
But there again he
stopped himself. He wanted Tina dead, but no way was he going to spend the rest of his natural life in prison.
So he let time go by – he put murder on the back burner, so to speak. After all, it wasn’t like he
was on a deadline, or anything. He waited, and he watched, and he thought about it. In his imagination he killed
Tina a dozen different times in a dozen different ways, which was actually kind of fun. The long, steep road behind
the house with the sharp precipice on the side usually played some part in his daydreams. But tempting as these visions
were, they were far too impractical, too easy for the police to figure out. He had to come up with something smarter.
And
finally, one day he did.
Well, to be fair, Tina practically came up with the idea for him. She had been
whining at him for ages to get a waterbed. Said it would be good for her back. Gary had always resisted the idea.
“Oh sure,” he’d say. “Then I’ll get a van with a painting of some chick riding
a leopard. Maybe she’ll have flashing red light bulbs for nipples. How does that sound?”
She
always ignored his sarcasm – or maybe she was just too stupid to understand it. Either way, she kept asking and
he kept saying no.
And then, about two months after Gary had found those condom wrappers in her purse, the two
of them were out shopping for a new living room sofa. In the showroom, Tina dropped her purse. She reached down
to get it, and couldn’t get back up again. She had really thrown out her back.
The pain was obviously
so excruciating that Gary felt sorry enough for her to buy her that waterbed. What the heck, they were in the furniture
store already, weren’t they? Tina took a couple tranquilizers and settled into the car to wait while Gary finalized
the details.
The idea came to him as the salesman was showing him how the thing worked. The bed was filled with
warm water. It stayed warm because the bed was plugged in to the wall. At that moment, it was as if the salesman
had plugged in Gary’s brain, and two red nipple light bulbs started flashing in his head.
The idea was good.
He rolled it around like wine on his tongue. Yes, it was very, very good. It would bear further thinking, of course.
He would have to examine it and look for holes, make sure that the D.A. couldn’t get enough on him to send him away.
But he had a feeling that this idea was the one.
He signed the receipt with a flourish. He felt almost euphoric.
In the car, he magnanimously offered to call Tina’s doctor to get her a prescription for painkillers. She thanked
him but said she’d done it already, and that the prescription would be delivered later this afternoon.
That night,
he lay on his back in bed while Tina breathed heavily in a drugged sleep beside him. His plan reeled out before him,
like a movie in the darkness.
Today was Saturday. The bed would be delivered on Monday morning. The
delivery guys would take down the old bed and set up the new. It would take a few hours to heat up, of course, but it
should be ready by the time Tina went to bed.
Gary would graciously offer to sleep in the guest room, so that she could
have the whole bed to herself for her recuperation. He would turn on her bedside radio, tune it to the classical station
and turn the volume so that it played softly. She found this very soothing when she was in pain.
After he kissed
her good night, she would take a couple of the painkillers, and within a half hour she would be nearly unconscious.
With those knock-out drops she could sleep through anything.
Before he turned in for the night, he would turn
on the hall light outside the bedroom. When he flipped the switch a fuse would blow, taking with it the hall light,
the bedside radio, and, of course, the waterbed heater.
From where he was standing it would appear the hallway bulb
had blown out. He would resolve to replace it tomorrow. Then he would go to bed. And in the other room,
the water in the waterbed would slowly start to cool, taking Tina’s body temperature down with it. She wouldn’t
wake up. Ever.
Tuesday morning he would get up, shower, and get dressed. He would peek in on her,
assume she was sound asleep, and close the door softly, not wanting to wake her.
He would get in his car and drive to
work. Sometime around two o’clock, the cleaning woman would arrive and make a gruesome discovery.
He couldn’t
be sure exactly what time Tina would die, but the point was that she would be dead. When the police interviewed him
they would tell him about the blown fuse. He would appear to put the pieces together and break down, crying "Oh
my God, I killed my wife!"
Truer words could not have been spoken.
Gary grinned into the darkness.
He had it. He really had it.
Well, there was no way he was going to sleep tonight. He was just too excited.
He got up and dressed silently. He would go out for a quick drink. Maybe tomorrow morning he would bring Tina
breakfast in bed. Seemed like a nice thing to do.
The garage door opened in front of him, revealing a desert sky
full of stars. The moon shone brightly, almost benevolently. This time next week, he’d be a free man.
He couldn’t believe his luck. He pulled out of the driveway and started down the hill.
No, he corrected
himself. It wasn’t luck. It was smarts. He’d always had them.
The car picked up speed.
He put his foot on the brake, but nothing happened. He tried again, and still nothing. He reached for the emergency
brake.
But he was too late.
In the bushes by the side of the road, two people huddled in
the shadows, watching the flames rise against the night sky.
“I told you it would work,” Mike said.
Tina
sighed. “I know, I know. I just feel guilty. He was so nice today when he thought I’d hurt myself…buying
that bed and all.”
Mike rubbed her shoulder. “Look, the man was a pig. He thought you were unconscious
from pain pills and he was driving out to see his mistress.”
She sighed again. “You’re right.
But…are you sure the police won’t suspect us?”
“Trust me. I know how to fix cars.”
He looked down at the wreck burning in the valley.
“They’ll say it was an accidental death.”
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THE BELL TOWER MAN
(Written circa 2008, also for the mystery contest. Re-reading it now, it seems like maybe I was
overindulging my love of "The Legend of Sleep Hollow," but it still makes me smile!)
Mary Stoffel
was halfway to school when she realized the school bell hadn't rung. It was so strange that she stopped and stood right
still, listening with both ears.
She heard the wind rustling through the tree leaves above her head…the
brook chuckling along to her right…and the crunch of a tiny foot on a tiny twig behind her.
She whirled around,
hands on hips. "Adeline Stoffel, go home this instant!"
There was nothing in front of her but the trees,
and the wind and the brook were all that answered.
"Da said you're not to be following me to school anymore!
Now get along home!"
Mary waited the length of three heartbeats, then turned and continued up the path.
As
expected, the sound of tiny pounding feet rushed up behind her and short, fat arms grabbed her around the waist. Mary
fell to the ground, laughing. She tickled her sister until they were both breathless with giggling.
Finally
Mary stood up and pulled Adeline along with her. She picked leaves out of her sister's hair with a fury.
"You're
a naughty one at that, little sister! What do you think Ma and Da will do when they see you've run off? Worry
themselves to death, most likely."
She took Adeline's chin in her hand and looked down at her. "Now
go home, and let me get on my way to school!"
"But the bell hasn't rung!" Adeline said. Her
blue eyes were wide with happiness. "So it must be Saturday, and that means no school!"
"It's not
Saturday, it's Thursday. And Miss Hobbes is late, that's all." Mary sighed, then grabbed Adeline's hand and
continued up the path towards the schoolhouse.
Adeline, floating on winged happiness at being taken along, felt brave
enough to say, "Maybe she ran away, and you'll never have to go to school again!"
"Or maybe she climbed
a tree and married a monkey!" Mary said.
"Maybe she was taken by the Bell Tower Man!"
Mary
tripped, then recovered her balance and went on as if she had never missed a step. "There is no Bell Tower Man,"
she said firmly. "You're too big of a girl to believe in stories like that."
"It's not a story!"
Adeline protested earnestly. "It's a real live ghost! Christian Aart saw it. He told me so himself."
"Christian
Aart likes the sound of his own voice better than he likes the truth, and you'd be wise to remember it!"
They came
out of the woods into the clearing near the schoolhouse. The doors were closed, the curtains inside were drawn.
A few boys were playing leapfrog on the grass.
"Hi! Mary!" Zachariah waved. "Miss Hobbes isn't
here!"
"We didn't hear the bell ring!" Adeline chirped importantly.
"That's because
there was no one here to ring it," said Christian. "Miss Hobbes…has disappeared."
Mary looked
at him crossly. Christian was the only boy in school who was taller than she, and he thought that made him superior
to her.
"She's just late," said Mary.
"She's never late!" Zachariah and Alberick cried
together.
"Something's happened," said Christian knowingly. "Has anyone noticed anything odd going
on lately?"
"Barent the Gatekeeper," said Alberick. "I think he's up to something."
"What
makes you say so?" Mary asked curiously.
"His hair is red. And his face is always as red as his
hair."
"What nonsense!"
Christian scoffed at her. "If you're so smart, why don't you
tell us where Miss Hobbs is?"
Before Mary could think what to say, Adeline piped up with confidence. "We
think it was the Bell Tower Man!"
"Of course!" said Christian. "It's the only thing that makes
sense!" He jumped up on a tree stump and raised his arms. "We must go at once to the Bell Tower and
rescue our poor teacher! Who's with me?"
"I am!" said Alberick.
"And me!" cried
Zachariah.
Mary opened her mouth to protest when Adeline cried out enthusiastically, "Us too!"
Then
she looked at her big sister. "Right?" she asked hopefully.
Mary sighed.
The bell
tower was taller than Mary had remembered. The stairs inside curved upwards into darkness.
"Are you sure
you want to do this?" Mary asked her sister.
"Um…uh-huh." Adeline said.
"All
right," Mary said.
She stepped inside and started climbing, with Adeline close on her heels. Christian,
eager for this adventure as he had been, did not protest when Mary took the lead.
"I'll bring up the rear,"
he said. "So nothing sneaks up on us."
They giggled and shuffled their way up the stairs until Mary's
hand, outstretched in the dark, touched the trapdoor to the bell loft. Her heart beat faster.
She looked down,
trying to see her sister. Adeline's eyes glowed through the darkness, alight with fear and excitement.
Christian
tapped Mary's leg. She kicked at him out of habit. "Well, go on!" he said.
Right.
Mary squared her shoulders and reached upward. She grasped the handle firmly and pushed.
Up it swung, lighter
than she had expected and almost completely silent. She raised her head and peered around, blinking. Light spilled
into the center of the loft from the open archways on each side, but puddles of pitch dark filled the corners in between.
A tug on her skirt, and Christian's imperious voice floated up from below. "What do you see?"
he whispered loudly.
"There's nothing up here," Mary whispered back. "We should go."
She
started to close the trap, but murmured cries of protest stopped her.
"Hold on, hold on!" That
was Zachariah.
"We want to see!" That was Alberick.
"Why should we believe you?"
And that, of course, was Christian.
"Fine." Mary pushed the trap back impatiently and climbed
through. "See for yourselves."
She knelt by the opening, and flicked each boy in the head as he came
through. Alberick was the only one who protested. "What's that for?" he asked, rubbing the back of his
head. "I haven't done anything to you!" He considered for a moment. "Today."
"One
on account, then," Mary said. She helped Adeline climb through, and the five of them stood close together.
The wind whistled through with a purpose, as if it had things to do and no time to waste. Mary rubbed her arms.
"Cold?" asked Zachariah.
"Of course she's cold!" said Christian. "The Bell
Tower Man strikes chills into whoever is in his presence."
"But we're not in his presence," said Alberick.
"And Mary's the only one who's cold."
"That means that the Bell Man has chosen the lovely Mary for his
next victim! He'll probably carry her off this very night!"
Mary tried to retort but suddenly her tongue
was clumsy as a drunken ox. She was flustered by Christian's use of the word "lovely." The best she
could get out was a contemptuous "Hmph!"
Christian grinned wickedly at her. "Mark the way she stands,
struck dumb by the presence of evil from beyond the grave!" His eyes widened dramatically. "And what's
that, over there in that corner?"
His unwilling audience jumped and turned as one body to see where he pointed.
Did that corner seem darker than the others? Mary squinted. Had Christian really seen something, or was he just
putting on?
No, wait…a rustling sound, and the shadows seemed to gather themselves, whispering together.
The darkness rose up and up…taking form…taking the shape of – Mary's heart skipped a beat – a man!
The
children cried out. Christian yelped in terror and jumped backwards, throwing himself off balance as he teetered near
the arched opening. Mary grabbed his hand, steadied him. Then she turned and faced the shadowy shape.
As
it came forward, she pushed Adeline behind her and lifted her chin in defiance. Adeline clung to her skirt and peered
around her waist.
Closer yet, and closer….
"What's the meaning of this? Children, what are you
doing here?"
Miss Hobbes! But it was Miss Hobbes as they had never seen her. Hair undone. Shoes
off. Dress –
"Well, bless me," Christian said.
Mary covered Adeline's eyes.
A man
blustered forward, hopping as he tried to fasten his boot. His face was as red as his hair. Barent the Gatekeeper.
"What
is it? I want to see!" Adeline pushed Mary's hand away from her eyes. "Oh!"
"Good
heavens, we – er – I must have fallen asleep," said Miss Hobbes. She drew herself up and spoke as if
she were standing in the schoolhouse, ruler in hand. "Children, you should be at your desks right now! Get
away with you, and I want to hear you reciting your numbers when I mount – er – climb those steps to the schoolhouse!"
The
children slowly descended the steps and came out into the sunshine, blinking. Mary couldn't bring herself to look at
Christian, although she knew his cheeks must be as red as hers.
Adeline jumped up and down, tugging on her hand.
"What
is it?" Mary asked tiredly.
"I was right! It was him!" Adeline crowed triumphantly. "Miss
Hobbes was taken by the Bell Tower Man!"
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